Pros and cons of trusting others easily. Or not.

   It's a bit of a mixed topic, isn't it! The pros and cons of, well, trusting others - and at the same time, the pros and cons of rather, not trusting them (as easily). It's like you get a little bit of everything! And that's the truth exactly. Let's get started.

To trust or not to trust

   This, again, similar to other topics that we have discussed, appears to be a solution that one makes. And once again - yes - a solution without a surefire "proper" canned decision. Of course it depends on the situation more or less, but in very general, there are some things that happen to be true in all cases.

1.Trusting others a bit easily

   I will make a wild guess here - we've all been there. Some of use, when we were kids, others - later in time. Some of use just once, others, for their whole life, and even as they read this. Or is this actually you?

   Not a bad thing. The bad thing about trusting others easily is that, as a matter of fact, you can much more easily be lied to, or let down. Well, that is a bit obvious, isn't it? So, for some of use, this paragraph ends here and translates automatically into the idea of rather not being so thrusting. But wait! There is also a good side on trusting easily - and it can be extremely beneficial, even! It just depends. You see, trusting is a bit like gambling - you are putting your "money" onto something, and you don't know what it will turn out to be. If you loose, you loose - and can loose big. But if the other person appears to be one of those rare gems - innocent, honest, a bit shy - then trusting that person will be the best hit. He will actually avoid others who are harder at trusting others, as he (or she) will feel intimidated by them. So you - believing easily to that person, have opened the doors of goodness - and in fact, the best friendships - and sometimes, even love relationships have started with... trust.

2.Not trusting easily

   Yeah. I understand where you are coming from. You just do not want to wear your heart on a sleeve. Don't want to put down all the cards, face-up. You are a bit more of an introvert, or just have your guard always up. Unlike with the previous paragraph, the good about this is what is more obvious - you are a bit more safer (a lot, actually); strangers can't lie to you and basically, you evaluate every person and every situation a lot before giving in. Now, that is mature. But of course, again, it's a two-sided coin - and there is the bad side about it as well - and what it is - playing it more safe, you can rarely get closer to one of those special persons who just want to see the trust and openness in someone in order to give in. They will probably avoid you before you have decided that you can trust them for real.

So, what to do?

   Well, if you want a straight answer - I would suggest that you do remain open to people, while being reserved a bit. If 0 is very open, and 10 is very reserved, I would say that the golden spot is around 4. A bit more open, but still having your guard up.

   But once again, as with everything in life, there is no "best" approach. because even on two extreme sides (near "0", or near "10") from the above example, once can have tremendous success. It all depends. But after evaluating the pros and cons; you can adjust a bit more towards where you want to be.

Low self steem in someone else. How to "fix" it? Should you?

   My girlfriend has a low self-esteem. How do I fix her? Or... My best friend is always so shy. How to help him? Or... My buddy never speaks out in public. I want to help him out...

Should you? And would that be help?

   That is, most certainly, the first thing to figure out. You see - with some people, it is low self esteem indeed. With others, the exact same outward behavior might rather be just a personality trait. The whole concept of "fixing another person", or "changing them" - or even helping out without being asked (let's assume, for now, the other one did not ask you for your help) - is a very interesting one, and we certainly need to talk more about it.

   Basically, you can not change a person for your own sake. You can also not help someone in something they are not trying to do, nor you can fix a person, too. Just because you think they should act differently, must change, or will do much better if they just (insert your own line here); it does not mean it is necessarily true - and even if, in the overall concept of things, it makes some sense, you, again, can not, and should not directly try to change someone's behavior.

But he/she is so shy and he/she will do a grand much better if this behavior is changed!

   I feel your pain. It is, indeed, killing on the inside, sometimes, when we see someone else doing something and we truly believe within ourselves that they need to change. And they don't. But this is us, not them! So, OK, what to do?

1.Speak out.

Talk to the person. But really - and remember - talking is a two-way process. It's not like you go on to them and tell them how much they need to change, and how much better they will do once they switch their behavior. Not at all. The only thing that you can do is approach them carefully, find a good moment to talk, and let them know you think they would to better if they make some changes. And then listen!

2.Work with them, not instead of them

Yep, that is correct. After you talk, they will either share that they, indeed, would love to become more confident (they might break down and cry too); or they will, rather, tell you that this is in fact their vision of life, and they feel good when they don't confront others, don't make themselves noticed all the time, and in general, they feel good while being the quite type, conforming, and nice to everyone, or silent when they are confronted from someone else.

3.Go from there

Whatever they share with you (after you listen), just go from there.

If they do realize they are shy and do want to become more confident - help them. Let them try bit by bit, go out together and try some small experiments. Approach strangers, or when in a group, help them to start speaking, point them to some great articles to read, or even practice just the two of you - go through imaginary situations, give them ideas as of how they should respond in certain cases, and again, practice and help them to start trying it out in public. Let them know that it won't work every time, as it does not for any of use, but in general, it might feel great to be more confident.

If they, rather, don't want to be "helped", nor want to change - don't argue. You can only tell them that you understand them very well, value their point of view and see how they can be right. After you say this and mean it, you can proceed to tell them that you think they might still benefit a bit from becoming a bit more open and vibrant in their communication - but don't forget to say that you think that and not that you "know it's true".  In other words, don't force your opinion - but rather, explore the topic together with them. 

Because, helping someone to become more confident doesn't necessarily mean forcing it upon them. Instead, it's mostly the seed that matters. If you talk them into the general idea and the idea starts growing within them, then you've helped them much more than any convincing will do. As then they will "catch their own fish". They will actually do to work on their own, and will even ask you for help or advice - where you will be really heard, and will be much more able to feed your opinion into a listening ear.

So, go speak with them. And never forget - listen to them too.

Good luck.

The urge to cheat. Is it normal?

   Having the urge to cheat? Well, let me tell you that

It's normal.

 Well. I am not saying that it's great to do so. In fact, it is a very complicated topic - and at the same time, a very simple one; depending on how you approach it; as it is with everything related to dating and relationships. Let's first look into the reality of things.

Why do we feel that desire; inner-engraved, to touch, flirt, look at, try with... someone else?

Well, there are two forces at play here. The first one is

Our human nature.

   Yep, you've heard that right. It's true that modern society has led us to think that cheating is terrible, or at least - it is described as such.Well, let's go even further back a bit and look into the whole concept of "cheating". What it is? It is the act of getting intimate with another human being (hopefully a human being, well); while being related to someone else in that way. And this brings mixed emotions. It is not the nicest thing to do to the other person; but when talking about our inner nature, we should look into that exactly - the inner thing that leads us to want to "cheat" - or said more honestly, just meet someone new; or feel that rush again, explore new emotions, new conversations and new intimacy. We, humans, sadly enough (in terms of society) are not completely monogamous "animals". It is a known fact. Actually, very few mammals are monogamous, and as much as society wants us to be such, we are not. For that, we will always have this inner drive to experience more, to meet someone new, to be... alive.

The second force at play, and the one that we can do stuff about (as we can't really change our nature by thought) is

Our relationship with the other.

    Sure enough, if we are not in a relationship, than exploring new lands won't be stated as "cheating", and won't fall within this article; so apparently, we must have a relationship of some sort prior to experiencing the desire to meet someone new; or do something with someone we already know... as a friend. And here it gets really interesting. 

   Basically, the human being is driven by three brains (there is this triune brain theory; where one is the most basic-instincts driving, the next one is related to our learned instincts; and the last one is our thinking brain. And every lower-level brain controls the one above it. Meaning, the most basic instincts control us. In many cases. Think about it. You become hungry. You need sleep. Or have to go to the toilet. Or you touch something, and it's hot. Or the air in the office isn't fresh enough. What do you experience? A feeling. It is engrained within you; it is not a thought that you create. For this; the desire to cheat is just about the same. Wait - don't hurry up towards that other person yet. I said - the desire. But the thing that you can control is what you do with that desire.

A though decision. And it must be a decision.

   As if you just jump in and let the feeling take over you, do the deed and then think, it might be too late; or at least, can damage a relationship you actually care about a lot. A lot. So, once again, depends where you stand.

   If your relationship is fairly new, or it's not really a committed one, or in general - you can and wan to justify in any way that it is OK - you can as well go ahead and cheat. Just realize the impact that this will have on your partner - and it's always better that you either speak up for the chance of having a more open type of relationship, their stand on your inner desire to try someone new (in most cases they won't react very well to that); or you can just decide that you want to be free. Then you can basically be yourself, in terms of doing what you feel without the need to think first (sure, you should still think about who you do it with, and what you do exactly). But you get the point.

   Your other option is to, after thinking it over - decide that you do do not want to cheat. I am not saying that you can decide that you are not feeling the desire - you can only decide and follow that you do not want to do it. It is like, you need to go to the toilet, but you tell yourself it's not a good idea to shoot in the bus in public. Or are hungry, but need to wait an hour to lunch. Or maybe you are on the beach and you are hot, but you still stay, because you want to get some tan. 

In our lives we are forced to obey many inner feelings for our own good.

   So, is it NORMAL to want to "cheat"? Yes - and the term "cheating" is created by the human society, not by nature itself. Nature created us.

   Should you "cheat"? Depends. You can:

-Talk to your partner and then try with a new person, without that being cheating as you agreed upon it

-Understand that (if) in your situation you should not mention it, but still do it - just rarely, and while loving your partner, saving the relationship

-Play safe (fair too) and just obey the desire to do it.

-Break up and just be a free particle for a while, doing what you feel within without it being "cheating" once again.

And no, there is no "right" thing. You need to decide! Which is the most complicated thing most of the time. But again, it is normal, and most people experience it (although few will admit to it). 

Liking someone can creep them out?

   Has it ever occurred to you that when you fall for someone and actually find a way to let them know, they will... well, do the opposite and even give you the weird stare? Well, let me assure you, that is a pretty normal situation and does happen quite often.

Why?

Well, very often in life it is much easier to understand such situation if you imagine yourself into it. Wait, what? Yes! Exactly, imagine yourself into this very same situation. You go on with your day to day life, and at some point you start to realize that someone is having a crush on you. They stare at you for a prolonged period of time, try their best to spend more time with you or even quite the opposite - start acting weirdly strange when around you. In any case, if that was a person that you, yourself, liked quite a lot, then great - you will most likely do something to actually move things forward. But what if you don't "feel" that way for them? You retreat and start avoiding them, or give them the dull stare in order to show non-verbally, that you are not all that too much interested.

So, what to do?

What to do if the one you like is not responding, and even distancing themselves or giving you the blank stare? Simply. Again - imaging yourself into the situation. What can someone who likes you (and you don't, at least, yet, like them back) do in order to spend more time with you? Yes, that's it. They can start acting a lot more casual. And you do the same. Become more casual! Don't stare, don't say anything differently as compared to how you would say it to any other friend. Don't go out of your way to help, even if it's for the smallest thing. Basically, act exactly as you would with an old friend who you know well - just be... normal. And they will slowly start to feel better in your company, which - in turn - will give both of you a chance to actually come closer together. Voila!